Category: motherhood

Growth.

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For some time now, I have been working to undo some of my worst traits, at the very least, be more aware of them and the damage they do and maybe even try to avoid giving into them.  I realize that I make assumptions, sometimes based on nothing but the negative voices in my head, I take things personally (and the most ridiculous things too), which then feeds into my urge to make everything about me, I tend to react immediately to something, generally based on my assumptions, and then there is my need to be right and have the last word.  Fun stuff, yes?  Especially when you combine them all together and throw in my quick temper. They all seem to be hard wired into me, many of them are the results of my family dynamic that I have been trying to shed most of my adult life, but even more so the last two years.  I’m tired of these things interfering in my relationships.  Most of all, I want my child to be more in control of her emotional well being.  Just because I wasn’t raised with the tools for this doesn’t mean she has to be.  And if I expect her to be able to do this, I need to set the example.  I need to know the tools to teach her, yes?  So I’ve spent a good bit of time in therapy, I’ve read a good bit about the lasting effects of my parents behaviors and issues, and I’ve realized quite a bit about myself.  Over time, I’ve found myself making progress here and there, but I’ve also found myself slipping.  I’ve learned to take it easy on myself when I slip, while I am always pleasantly self satisfied when I discover myself making progress.

Last week, I had evidence of that progress all over the place. There were a few things that popped up and I found myself being able to work through them in ways I had never been able to before. I was impressed with myself, and felt like I had made real progress.  One day in particular seemed to be one reward after another for learning to stop, wait for more information before responding and not making it all about me. When I went to bed that night, I felt like I had really grown as a person, in big ways that day. 

This weekend, I saw a headline Huffington Post’s food page that just grabbed my attention, “Are you preventing your own happiness?”.  Why, yes, I know I do, and  I am in the process of working quite hard to stop doing just that.  How does that relate to food I wondered?  Well, it was this article about Paula Deen, and how she had gotten her start and her philosophy on life, which, stunningly enough, is similar to where I find myself these days.  Although quite happily married, I decided a few months ago I wanted to do something that made me happy and contributed to our family income while I was doing it.  When I wrote about starting up Dinnaah, Lesa commented that Paula Deen got her start that way.  I have never been a Paula Deen fan, despite our shared love of things like butter, cream, bacon and fat.  I don’t even remember why I don’t like her, it had something to do with what I felt was a grave misuse of mayonnaise and grilled asparagus.  I have to admit, I wasn’t entirely flattered by the comment, I think I would have liked it more if it had been someone I admire a bit more, but I did like knowing that someone wildly successful started out the same way I am attempting to do.  And in reading that article on Saturday, I realized that I was having another little lesson in throwing out my assumptions.  Yet another experience in growth. 

A few months ago, right after I was laid off and considering starting up something on my own, Clarabelle  called and wanted to offer me some unsolicited advice on the whole thing.  She had just launched her own business and wanted to talk nuts and bolts about what it was going to take.  Over the years, I couldn’t help but notice that when she shows up and offers advice, it’s always right on and exactly what I need.  She is definitely one of the people I feel the universe has dropped into my life on purpose.  While we have had our ups and downs over the years, she still pops up in my life in very good, unexpected ways.  That chat that day was epically wonderful for me and our friendship.  For the first time probably ever, I really opened up to her, on a number of topics, and I felt we had reached a new level in our friendship.  I was touched, and still am, that she reached out the way she did.  When she called Saturday morning, I had been sitting there thinking about her when the phone rang and before I even looked at the caller ID, I knew it was her.  For how better to cap a week of growth than a good chat with her?  Not that I mentioned any of this- most of the situations I found myself in this week where I noticed the growth aren’t really worth recounting here.  But, I felt I had made serious progress on myself and I was proud.  And she was calling to tell me she was proud of me for just jumping in, for she knew I had to get over myself too.

The universe moves in mysterious ways. Sometimes I think it bonks me over the head to get it’s point across, even when I feel I’m listening. I’ve come a long way. In forcing myself out of old, destructive habits, I find myself doing things that are good for myself – like exercising more, eating better, drinking less, rather than sitting and stewing. This growth thing is good for me on so many levels.  After going so long feeling like I couldn’t shake some of these traits, it was fantastic to discover I could indeed shake them.  The best part of all may have been that I started the week off with this overwhelming feeling of anxiety that really tried it’s best to throw me.  In the past, I might have given in.  Instead, I recognized it for what it was, and worked to not let it get the best of me.  I don’t know that I fully succeeded, but in looking back over the last week and seeing where I started and where I ended, there was a marked difference.  It was growth.

Tomato Soup

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I find motherhood often makes me a better person, whether I want to be or not.  Take for instance, tomato soup.  Despite my fondness of tomatoes, tomato soup has always turned me off.  One day however, in being presented with a bowl of homemade tomato soup in front of Edie, I realized I needed to at least try it.  You know that whole thing about telling kids they have to at least try it to be polite and to see if they like it.  Ahem.  Turns out I liked it after all.  (I chalk up my former distaste of it to my complete & total distaste of all canned soups).  I got the recipe and have made it a few times since.

Last week, the squirrels finally left me some decent sized (non-grape) tomatoes to pick.  Thanks to the 6 inches or so of rain we got last week, all the tomatoes were split and needed to be used asap.  Looking for something quick and easy and different,  tomato soup it was.  It was just the thing for a chilly, rainy day.

Tomato Soup
In olive oil or butter, saute minced garlic and chopped onion.  Add chopped tomatoes, salt, pepper and tarragon.  Cook until tomatoes fall apart.  Puree soup and add cream and/or milk until you achieve the consistency you desire.  I like to add a little bit of cream cheese too, for extra creaminess.  Serve.


Home again.

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 Yesterday morning, we picked Edie up from camp.  Three weeks ago, that amount of time seemed so long.  Somehow, it flew by.  I didn’t get everything accomplished that I wanted to, but I also knew that it was quite likely that was going to be the case.  There were roadtrips to be taken (3 in one week), concerts to be attended (2, with a third being turned down), friends to be visited with, a house to be cleaned, canning and sewing to be done and much quality time to be spent with my husband.
We knew when we decided to send her that this would be a really great experience for her.  As an only child, she spends a good bit of time alone during the summer.  She goes to various day camps, but she still has a sizable amount of unstructured time on her hands.  Summers are tough and I think they are even tougher for an only child.  She generally is bored to tears by the beginning of August and so the last 3 weeks before school starts are brutal around here.  Most of the fun, creative day camps are over with the end of July and  it seems everyone clears out on vacation. It’s her & us.  And it’s hot.  By the time the first day of school rolls around, she’s so happy to see the big yellow angel, she’s singing Hallelujah. 
Her first letter from camp said she was having an okay good time.  She asked us to please send candy and she included specific instructions as to how this was to be packaged and sent.  Over the course of the 3 weeks she was gone, we got exactly 5 letters from her.  Each one sounded like she was having more fun than the last one. I kept hearing how it was good we weren’t hearing from her – that meant she was doing well.   She wrote about how she was enjoying archery.  We got a letter from her counselor, telling us what a joy she was to have and how she was doing well with riflery.  I immediately started thinking that she was going to take care of that little squirrel problem we’ve been having.
When we arrived at camp yesterday, she ran out to meet us and burst into tears. She later told us it was not entirely because she was happy to see us, but rather because she wasn’t quite sure she wanted to go home. Our already sweet, way cool, confident girl had blossomed. Oh yeah, she likes to shoot things. She’s a little bit good at it too and is willing to consider some target practice on the squirrels that have been giving me trouble. She gave us a tour of camp and showed us where they did yoga.  Her dad, who’s been doing yoga with her since she was a wee one asked very excitedly, “Did you do yoga?”  She shrugged and gave us a very nonchalant, “oh yeah”.  Later, during closing ceremony, when she was recognized for her excellence in yoga (as well as crafts and drama), we giggled about her coolness.

That’s the inside of the ‘craft’ cabin at camp.  It seems our sweet gal not only learned how to shoot things, but also got to play, supervised, with power tools.  And in her own, very cool way, is taking it all in stride.  There is a whole list of things she learned to do, not just shooting things, but horseback riding, how to play tennis, how to deal with outhouses and pond bathing for 3 weeks.  She grew on both the outside AND the inside. She definitely has a new, bigger perspective on life that is amazing to see.

Will told us we’d get sick of camp stories around December.  We’re on day 2 of camp stories and already Daddy is rolling his eyes….we only have 11 more months of hearing them before we can drop her off again.  Because yes, she’s already waiting for next year.
And quite frankly, I’m looking forward to another 3 weeks with my husband.
Summer camp may be the best thing ever invented.

Sleepaway camp.

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Sunday, we dropped Edie off at camp.  She fought the idea of 3 weeks away at camp at first.  Admittedly, I had my reservations too.  Although I tried not to let her know that.  I knew it would be good for her.  I knew it would be good for me.  It’s been a big subject of conversation around here.  Uncle Kevin told her that he got sent to camp when he was her age and he was terrified, and then, about 2 hours after his parents left, he realized it was the best thing they’d ever done for him.  She heard a few stories like that.  She seemed to warm up to the idea.  She at least stopped bursting into tears at the mention of camp.

We’ve heard about this camp as long as we’ve known Will Smiley.  He went there every summer starting about the time he had been Edie’s age.  And then he worked there for another 10 years or so after he was too old to be a camper anymore.  It was a formative experience in his life and he really wanted to share it with our girl.  I’ve said here before that Will & Mollie are the sort of friends you consider family, no matter how often you see them.  Not only did Will want to share camp with Edie, he helped make it happen.  And then, to help ease mama into not having her gal around for 3 weeks, insisted we come visit with them at Granny’s cabin at Smith Mountain Lake.

That’s the view from the dock.  We showed up and Will had the boat ready and waiting for us.  Breakfast, lunch and dinners were made without me having to do a thing.  We had a few lovely days of just doing nothing but playing.  It was divine.  Will kept us up to date on what Edie was doing at that very moment, since he knows the schedule there inside and out.  (Sixteen summers at camp will do that to you.)  Abigail talked about how she thinks Edie is so lucky to be old enough to go to camp and she cannot wait until she’s old enough to go with her in 2 years. 

A friend had asked if we could dog sit this week, so when we came home from the lake, we came home to a dear old, stubborn dog eager to see us.  I miss my girl, but I’m so very grateful to our friends who have all stepped up to help ease me over this transition.  I know she is having a great time – as we drove out of camp on Sunday, we saw her bopping down the hill with one of her cabin counselors, taking her allergy meds to the office, and I could tell, she was already settled in.  When we dropped her off and I made her bed, there as a little girl her age in the bottom bunk next to her, with that “We are going to be friends” look on her face as she looked at Edie.  You know that look.  She had a Harry Potter book under her bed, so I’m pretty sure they will be. 
I’ve been asked numerous times, what am I going to do while she’s away?  I have alot of uninterrupted time on my hands, time where I don’t have to worry about dropping what I’m doing to go pick her up or go take her to do this or that.  I intend to work on my business plan.  I want to do some serious house cleaning and purging, including the princess lair, while she’s away.  (She actually left me a list of helpful ‘cleaning options’.)  There is the chicken house project, a few sewing projects to wrap up, some canning to be done, and most importantly, lots of quality time with my husband….

I think I’ll be okay.  After all, it’s only three weeks.

Any old excuse for a party around here.

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A few weeks ago, Edie was invited to a lovely backyard birthday party and afterward mused why does her birthday always have to be in January?  January birthdays are just not conducive to having lawn games with your friends, not to mention, the size of our house really limits the number of guests she’s allowed to invite.  So, we somehow agreed to the idea of a half birthday party – not that we celebrate half birthdays on a regular basis, but around here, we’ll take any old excuse to throw a party, obviously.   Bless her heart, she was so excited about this party that she came up with a list of games, as well as whipping up the invitation on indesign all by herself.  
We started off with some games and races and even a water balloon fight.  They were on clearance when I ran to the store yesterday morning and I grabbed 3 packs of 175.  Edie, always the realist, talked me down to 2 packs.  And only most of 1 got filled up.  Filling water balloons is alot of work.  Somehow, she knew this.
As it’s July and we live in Virginia, I felt some sort of ice cream cake was called for.  I thought about ordering one from Ben & Jerry’s,  but knew I could whip up something myself.  After pondering long and hard some of the beautiful cakes Martha suggests, I realized that this was more the effort I wanted to put into it. (I need a form.  Plain and simple.  I know this about myself.  I am not ashamed to admit.  No way can I free form something square.  Straight lines & I are not something that mix well.)

It was cold, it was yummy and the children were all completely impressed.   We had real watermelon to go with the frozen and I filled the punch bowl with lemonade.  That and a couple bag of chips and we had a party.

Edie’s vision for the party also included a trip to the sprinklers at the park across the street.  (Which was great, because while I can throw an awesome party, I am just not good at entertaining children.  Especially 12 of them for 2 hours. Must be my lack of enthusiasm for games.)    So, after everyone got their fill of ice cream cake, we headed across the street.

What a pack.  You can almost see all the kids in that shot.  We had first graders through fifth graders in attendance.  We had soccer teammates, friends from school, neighborhood friends.  We had boys and girls.  Edie put a good bit of thought into her guest list and I have to say, she can throw a party. 

The kids had the run of the sprinklers at the park. We gave them all cups and while running through the water, they had water battle that kept Pat & I (and themselves) greatly entertained.
We stayed at the park until it was time for everyone to leave.  Everyone looked thoroughly exhausted and I do believe a good time was had by all. A few parents stayed for a cold beer afterwards (always a tradition at our house) and after spending my day getting ready for and then hosting a party for 12 kids, that beer that had been iced down in a cooler all afternoon was nice and cold and mmm tasty.
I don’t know if this party will become one of our annual traditions, but it was a good time, pretty low key and a good excuse for Edie to gather a bunch of her favorite people together for no reason other than just because.  Considering we throw a huge party every May for that reason, she really is just following in our footsteps.  I really couldn’t be prouder of her.

Writing Camp.

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When I tell people Edie is going to writing camp, they often misunderstand me and think we’re sending her to horseback riding camp.  And they like to share stories of their camp days with me.  No, WRITING, as in the Charlottesville Writing Center.  As in, she’s writing stories. 
Edie is alot like me – she’d rather spend her summer curled up with a book than doing swim team  or anything that requires a good bit of physical activity.  Our neighbor runs the writing center and when I heard about camp, I thought it might be something Edie would really like.  Last summer was her first summer to go and she loved it.  We noticed a difference in both her reading and writing abilities after her attending, as did her teachers at school.  She requested to go again this summer and so last week she did just that.
There they are on the first day of camp.  It was held in one of the art galleries downtown.  There was a mystery theme this year – it involved a missing painting and the writing center supplied a few prompts for the kids, like a list of suspects complete with mug shots and rap sheets.  Each story had similar elements – like a letter to someone and a mention of an enchilada, but the talking cat and superhero piranha were definitely creations of their own.  The kids were detectives and their stories were solving the crime.

The last day of camp, parents are invited to a reading.  The kids were encouraged to come in detective costume, and after convincing Edie that she really didn’t want to wear my long camel hair coat on a Virginia in July 90+ degree day (not to mention it’s really too long for her), I managed to talk her into her Picasso dress – after all, she’s undercover investigating art theft, yes?  Because no, I was not running out to buy her a trench coat and she would definitely be more undercover as an art fan than she would in a trench coat anyway.

Last year’s reading ended up on one of the local TV stations and included an interview with Edie.  While she didn’t get that kind of glory this year, she still thoroughly enjoyed camp this year.  She definitely is engaged and inspired the entire week.  This past spring, she started making books for us – collections of her ideas, stories, poetry – self published, one of a kind treasures.  And she has her own blog.  That was something we felt we couldn’t say no to, because of the creativeness of it, but we did have our concerns about internet safety.  So, it’s one of those super top secret blogs, one you have to be invited to view, one you have to have a password to view and mama gets full approval of who gets to see it.  (Pretty much anyone she wants to share it with, as long as she has your email address to send you the invite.).  I never cease to be amazed at her creativity.   The next few weeks of her summer are designed to foster and encourage that – she’s doing a week of camp at the Cooking School and then a week of art camp. And then, she’s doing three weeks at Camp Lachlan, because sometimes we all have to leave our comfort zones.  It will make her a better writer, yes?

The week that was.

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My (not so) baby girl attended her first concert this week, became a fourth grader and thus, top dog in her elementary school, and bonded with one of my dear college girlfriends.

Arcade Fire is her current favorite band and so when we heard they were coming to town, we knew she was going to want to go with us.  I even got her down on the very front row and at one point, Win Butler stood right in front of her and for about 3 words, sang directly to her.  She was in heaven.  What a great first show.  She took notes on how I managed to manuver her down in front and told me when we got home that she’s pretty sure we’ll be able to get her front row for the next few years to come.  That’s my gal.

Clarabelle came into town Thursday for the LOOK3 photo festival, so we spent Thursday and Friday afternoons on the downtown mall with her, taking in some of the events and having a thoroughly lovely visit.  I have this incredible group of women I was friends with in college and over the last 20 years or so we have loosely stayed in touch with each.  I know that I am who I am today in no small part because of them.  They are all strong, beautiful, smart, successful women and I love them, and our ongoing relationship, dearly.  We might not talk all the time, but when one of us talks to another, we bring each other up to speed on everyone.    Edie is getting to this age where she is starting to forge her own relationships with people, and so to see her do this with Clara this week touched me to no end.  Edie even included her in the latest foot self portrait shot.

Clara was more than encouraging about my new business idea.  While we were out hanging around downtown this week, two women sitting next to us at the gelato place struck up a conversation with me.  When they asked what I did for a living, I told them I was starting up a new venture and told them what it was.  They handed me their business cards and told me to contact them when I was a go, as they couldn’t wait to support me.  Which I took as yet another sign from the universe as a “DO THIS”.  So, while I might be quiet about it in this space for the time being, I am working on my master plan and I am feeling this is truly the path I need to explore.

Friday morning was the last day of school, and I helped put together the reception following the fourth grade moving up ceremony.  Hard to believe next year will be my daughter’s last in elementary school.   It really does go fast and I realize more and more how okay I am with stepping off career track to be a mom.  It’s made me a more tolerant, well rounded person, who has moments of patience, (but generally limited to those under the age of 10).  I am definitely looking forward to being a stay at home mom this summer and filling our time with home made popsicles, pool time, and just general lounging.  I’m also stepping up to be an officer for the PTO this year, so I’ll have lots to keep me busy, as if starting up my own business, being a mom and running a girl scout troop wasn’t enough.  Clearly, I like projects.

Strawberries!

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Somehow I have been too swamped the entire strawberry season to be able to pick strawberries and then have an an entire day to dedicate to putting them up.  A friend let me know the season was quickly winding down thanks to the recent heat wave, but my weekend was completely tied up with soccer.  (Oh soccer, I already have such a long list of reasons why I don’t like you,  to which this got added, but my daughter loves you, which really sort of trumps.  And we won’t get into how I resent motherhood for making me a better person and overlooking these things I hate simply because she loves them.) Monday morning, after I put Edie on the bus, I started calling around the local pick your own spots.  Turns out the season ended Saturday, of course.  The day I spent the entire day on the soccer field.  Grrrr.  I widened my search to a few places “over in the valley”.  The beauty of living 20 minutes from the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Shenandoah Valley is that they are always little bit behind the growing season from us (And a little cooler in the summer!).   Turns out, their berry picking season is still going, so I packed myself up and hit the road for Middle River Farms. 

It was, in short, the best berry picking experience.  The rows were marked where the last person had left off, so you knew exactly where to start.  They had someone in the field, directing you where to go. The prices were half of what we pay on this side of the mountain.  And all for an extra 15-20 minutes of driving time.  They were still less than 55 miles from my front door, qualifying as local.  The berries were much larger than the ones Edie & I had picked here a few weeks too.  So many things about it to make me happy.

At any rate, I picked a quick not quite 15 pounds, brought them home, sorted and dealt with them.  I froze some whole, chopped and stewed and froze some for yogurt, and kept some for a nice strawberry salad for dinner last night and strawberry shortcake for breakfast this morning. 

No, I don’t make jam.  I’ve tried, several years in a row, and it was a disaster.  I may try again one of these days, but I was not in the mood to fool with it yesterday.   And yes, we enjoy strawberry shortcake for breakfast.  Sub plain yogurt for the whipped cream, and voila, breakfast.

Although the chocolate sponge cake may have been a bit decadent.

My Weekend.

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Every tent needs a disco ball.
This weekend Edie’s soccer team was in the Sunburn Tournament.  She had been to a birthday party the evening before and brought her party bag along, because in her words, you never know when you’re going to need a party bag.  I discovered a disco ball necklace in there, so I hung it up in one of our many team tents.  We like our flair.   
It was warm and sunny and there was lots of soccer.  We had a few hours break between games Saturday, so as a team, we tailgated it, which may have been the highlight of the tournament.  We came darn close to winning the first game on Saturday and after that, lost to teams that were better than us.  Our girls still played their hearts out though and handled it well.   We treated them to many popsicles, and after their last game on Sunday, burgers at Riverside.  We definitely think our team had the most fun.
Sunday afternoon, our friends from Snuggle Acres dropped by for a visit.  We hit the pool, the kiddos picked the first blueberries from our bush for a snack and we had a quick little dinner before they hit the road back home.  It’s always good to see them and I love that we just happen to live on their way to visit Will’s folks in Lynchburg.

Munching Blueberries.

Edie & Abigail getting sunscreened for the pool all by their big girl selves.

Dinner, picnic table style.
Blueberries!
Speaking of blueberries, this morning I went out and picked a pint of berries for blueberry muffins for breakfast.  I love, love, love being able to go pick breakfast, lunch and dinner from our garden.  It just doesn’t get any fresher than that!

It’s Finished and It’s Alive!

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Edie requested I make her a skirt, one of my whimsical tiered skirts.  Of course missthing insisted on approving the design, ie, fabric selection.  I laid one out and had it approved, only to discover I didn’t have enough fabric to make it as promised.  Which led us back to the drawing board.  After going through a few versions that were deemed “Not ‘Alive’ Enough.”, we reached a compromise that would use all the fabrics in the approved ‘ALIVE’ design, but in accordance to the amount of fabric I had on hand, all of which were from the stash.
Apparently “ALIVE” is Edie’s new phrase.  I like it. 
Here is the skirt in question, finished!
The bottom has a small ruffle out of this really great striped seersucker type fabric.  It was supposed to be the bottom tier in a 4 tier skirt, but I realized I didn’t have enough of it, so we compromised and made it the ruffle. The bottom tier is a pale pink, with white raised dots that don’t necessarily like to show up in photos.

The middle tier is a solid purple linen and the top tier is a fun pink striped paisley pattern.  Paisleys were definitely my most favorite part of the 80’s and I still have a fondness for them.  Edie thought this fabric was ‘wild’ and she loved it with the polka dots and stripes at the bottom.

I drafted the pattern myself, something I don’t usually do with success, but I have found with elastic waist skirts, I can do it if I follow a certain formula.  So, I measured her waist and her length between her waist and knees and took it from there.  I made it a little big, so she had room to grow into it, planning to add elastic to the waist as needed.   Pat thought I was making myself a new skirt at first, because it’s not little girl sized anymore.  Then again, our girl is 4’9″, which is getting to be pretty tall.  Her new flip flops are women’s, sized 7/8 and quite frankly, there’s not as much room as I think there should be for her to grow into them.  My baby is no longer a baby, and not so much a little girl anymore.  She is definitely becoming a tween, as evidenced by the list of music she left on my desk this morning that she’d like for me to add to her itunes.  Heavy on the Taylor Swift.  Oh my.

That is as close to modeling the skirt as I’m going to get from her.  For now, it hits her mid-calf and is quite cute.  I’m hoping this will fit her for a few years.  When she was younger, she had a big aversion to anything ‘plain’ which she called boring and demanded I make fancy, by any means necessary. Then she went through a phase where she only wanted me to make her solid colored clothing.  A white linen blouse.  A purple linen dress.  I was quite excited to meet her demands for a skirt that was “ALIVE”. Even more excited to see her pair it with a patterned shirt.  It makes me happy to see her so fearlessly put patterns together with patterns because she pulls it off so well.  For a while there, I thought she’d outgrown that. 

I hadn’t finished a sewing project in what felt like forever.  I have a number of projects halfway done, or laid out,  but never find myself finishing them.  It felt good to finish something.  It’s pointed out to me that I finish lots of other things I set out to do, like gardens and cakes and canning, but it really nags at me that I have such a hard time finishing sewing projects.  I’m trying to be better about this and this was my first step towards it.  It feels good.